by the way- what wagon?

is it falling off the wagon when one fails to kick an addiction? well, then i fell.

at least i'm enjoying the ride

as a real estate closer during the big real estate boom, i was witness to many deals that should have never occurred. i feel somewhat guilty. i had no involvement in the sale of the horrible loans that some of our society fell victim to, but a level of guilt still exists. watching our economy fail is frightening. watching president bush explain it all right now is frightening. the thought of my daughter's future is frightening. something needs to be done. i've always battled faith. having the utmost faith in any one thing isn't something i do well. having to have faith in our political system and the idea that they can correct their errors scares the shit out of me. i can't figure out why issues can't be prevented rather than the insane attempt to correct it once they've proven to fail. did our government officials, who we are supposed to trust, did they not see this coming? i saw it coming. i, however, unlike the officials that we, the people, vote for, i am not in a position to even remotely know how to stop or correct it. we are so far in a hole that digging out just seems ridiculous. i guess we just have to sit back and enjoy the ride. throw our hands in the air and scream as the roller coaster takes the long, fast drop. and eventually it will stop and we'll get off the ride and be able to breathe again.

pita

in between busy times at work today, i made quite a few attempts at talking to potential daycare providers. i left quite a few messages and only one person out of those messages i left has actually returned my call. i talked to quite a few people as well. out of the group i actually spoke to, only 2 have made an impression deep enough for me to want to load up the car and spend 20 minutes with them to try and decide if i want their help in raising my toddler.
you see, i have had some minor issues in the whole daycare process. i have no clue how daycare works in other states, but it seems as though the state of florida, or at least pinellas county, florida, doesn't cater to the young working parent. there are limited daycare centers that provide infant care to children under the age of 18 months or even 2 years. and if they do, they're insanely expensive. the in-home providers seem to be the ones who have found the jackpot on the industry. what this means is that we have to call (getting an extensive list of names from the licensing board) one by one. it's like cold calling. talking and deciding if we actually want to meet one of these fine ladies. we started last year with my calling in august for a baby due in october for care to begin in january for when gabby was about 8 weeks old. in august of 07, i was laughed at more times than not for calling so early. so i waited until i had a very miserable 6 week old to pound the pavement and find care. we interviewed the only 4 people we found in our area who actually had availability, because they are only allowed to have 3 infants in their care at a time. out of the 4, we chose the best of the rest.
for the first 4 months we thought everything was great! she gave us a report everyday that gabby had a great day. everything was perfect. gabby loved going there and squealed in delight at another little 4 year old there. she was, however, very cryie at home and i always thought i was doing something horribly wrong and that my child hated me! she was always perfect at daycare, so miss perfect daycare lady told me!
then i lost my job, gabby was home with me for 2 weeks and we had our first plane trip with her. we returned and when gabby went back to daycare, all of a sudden she was a hand full and miss perfect daycare lady had a meltdown and said she couldn't take it anymore. gabby was miserable and had been for the last 4-1/2 months and we needed to find someone else. this all happened during my first week at a new job. so, in a scramble, we found a new daycare provider. this women has been a godsend. we did, however, know when we chose her that she only takes babies from 0-12 months and that we'd have to be on the hunt all over again right before gabby's first birthday. so... here i am. doing it all again.
all i can say now is what a Pain In The Ass.

more to follow.
right now, i need sleep. and tomorrow is my day. MY DAY to sleep in. WOO FREAKIN HOO!

well

so i'm at the grocery store today meandering my way through the isles in search of a few necessities to complete dinner. i come to the freezer section and see a perfectly fit women with her fairly young little boy propped up in the car seat affixed to the cart. he is quiet and sweet as she's examining the shelves. i am compelled to check out her tiny ass and slim body since she is clearly a new mom. hoping she doesn't notice, i slide by her and go about my shopping. later i find myself behind her doing the same thing again. i start to think that everyone in the store is watching. she approaches the checkout and i purposely enter the opposite line as to not cause her to file a restraining order. when the 90 year old women in front of me finally, after 3 attempts, enters her correct pin number for her debit card and exits the check out, it's my turn. the cute little number with the baby boy is now in the same stage of her check out process as i. the bagger asks how i'm doing. politely, i reply "i'm well, how are you?"
as i'm finishing my transaction, i hear "thank you for saying well. i am an english teacher and love to hear proper use of the word well"... i think- holy shit. she's talking to me, what do i do? we exchange a few words of how much we despise the misuse of our language. she said that i made her day.
she made mine. even though i almost left without my groceries.
i hope you are well. have a great night.

monday monday

the weekend was a nice relaxing one without having gabby home. we started out friday night with drinks and appetizers and ended with a local watering hole we used to frequent. needless to say we were home by 11:30pm. the best part was sleeping in until 9:30am on saturday. i am convinced that the lazier one is, the more tired. not that i'm not tired when i'm active, but being lazy provides me the time to think about being tired! we finally got moving around 3pm and hit the beach for a while. my white pasty skin was pink and pasty within 1 hour! i now will make it a point to slowly work on my tan in the coming months. saturday night was spent with a few friends who do not have children watching the FSU game and just hanging out like old times. by the time sunday came, i was tired from being child free and lazy! i had a great 1st anniversary of my 30th birthday. my in laws prepared a great lunch and treated me to a carvel ice cream cake, which has got to be the best ice cream cake ever made. ever. and seeing my girl was the best present.

unfortunately i didn't really feel too much better from the cough of my lifetime. i still have the congestion and the red eyes and the wheezing lungs. of course, that didn't stop me from giving in to the social cigarette or 2. i did really well friday. by sunday i had 2 of my own. by today i had 4. i really need to get my priorities straight: breathe or not breathe. hmmmm..... i must say that the not smoking has made a dramatic difference in my ability to breathe and i will keep that in the front of my brain as motivation to just not do it. baby steps.

christian is on the job hunt. he is being incredibly responsible in making contacts and be proactive rather than enjoying the break. we certainly are not in a position for him to take a break and i soooo appreciate that he recognizes that fact. keep your fingers crossed that he'll be employed soon so we can still pay for daycare. the mortgage and daycare are the main priorities! everything else can be postponed, with the exception of internet and cable... oh and cell phones... and electric and, and, and, and.... you get the picture!!!

while the weekend with out the baby was nice, i must say that walking into my in-laws house on sunday and seeing my sweet little gooey baby was amazing. she was so excited to see us and she snuggled and smiled and showed us that the love we know exists is really rewarding. sometimes it's so easy to forget the unconditional love that a baby has for his/her parents. it does become conditional, but right now it's still unconditional. those are the moments i hope to never forget.

she'll be going back for the monthly visit in october!

facsimile

did you see the episode of sex in the city where burger broke up with carrie on a post it? a similar scenario actually happened to a friend of mine. her boyfriend put a post it note telling her they were over in her laundry basket that she was doing at his house. she arrived home and was putting clothes away and found the note. shitty. just plain shitty.

well, a new one today.... getting fired by a fax. and not even a typed letter addressed to the person, it was a company form template with the employee info written in and a box checked termination. then signed. that's it. no call. no formal letter. no nothing. no answering phone calls. nothing. the sorry as mother fucker of a boss couldn't even go face up and explain it. so.... i am the primary bread winner at the moment and i don't make much more than poverty! needless to say, it's not a great day to be a non-smoker.

aside from that, things are well. when one door closes, another opens, right?

here's a few links i've been to today:

career builder

let's keep the baby happy

pictures

what day is it?

it's day three!!! day three of no smoking and day three of antibiotics. i will be in good shape by the weekend. WOO HOO! i went to work today, but i did leave early. i didn't realize how exhausting it was to not lay around the house. after gloating over my not smoking success, i did ask the girls to please advise me to get help when i put on 20 pounds. as i told my husband this story, he told be to drop and give him 20. i couldn't believe he meant that i'd already gained 20 pounds. it's only been three days! he, laughing of course, wondered at what starting point was the 20 to be measured.... i reminded him with a punch in the gut that i, ahem, had a freakin baby! the measurement starts now, not pre baby. that bastard!
so the moral of the story is that i must now join a gym. i have found that what i do rather than smoke is lay on my fat ass typing and scrolling the internet. productive, i know.
i laugh when people worry so much about not giving out personal information to anyone. i do a google search and can find old classmates, where they work, email addresses. if we want to, we could find anyone, for free, from our own homes. quite scary, but it simply is what it is. i say, if you don't want to be found, don't put yourself out there, right? i guess i don't care if i'm found. until i'm found by someone i don't what to find me. then i'll delete everything and try to start over!

i had a dream last night that i drove to our local voting facility for the presidential election. i got there and went into the church to cast my votes. as i approached, i had a panic attack and couldn't vote. fortunately it was on my way to work, so i had time to go back later. but i panicked because i had no idea who to vote for and i couldn't just vote. i woke up. now i need to do research. it's clear that my conscious is telling me to get an education and make a decision based on fact. not opinions of others. particularly the media. unbiased material has to be available. i was told to check out washington post online. i will do just that. in the meantime, i will get some rest. hopefully i will dream of a more delightful topic.